He says common sense like it’s a love spell
While I’m stuck in this Orwellian hell
Flat cap, frost breath, dawn patrol
Rupert Lowe, with his shotgun and a moral code
My friends like boys in skinny jeans
I like mine with diesel on his sleeves
They want soft hands and poetry
I want hedge funds cut and hedgerows free
Expert tweets, a growing trend
He’d rather mend our fence than bend
And when he says “take back control”
I’m blushing like it’s rock and roll
Oh Rupert, you absolute menace
Talking ’bout markets and self-reliance
Got me swooning in Doc Martens
Over fiscal defiance
He’s waving at tractors, not limousines
Thinks kale’s fine but hates big schemes
Call it cringe, call it extreme
But he’s my countryside fever dream
He says “hard work builds a nation”
I say “that’s hot” pure dedication
Village hall policies that benefit me
I’m front row dressed in anarchist chic
He’s anti-bureaucrat, pro-farm gate
Says city planners overcomplicate
While I’m doodling hearts round his surname
In margins of my coursework in vain
No cocktail bars, no rooftop views
Just muddy lanes and battered boots
He talks about borders firm and tight
And I’m here like, take me tonight
Oh Rupert, you walking manifesto
Barn coat and rural crescendo
He’s preaching employment and local trade
And I’m hyperventilating in the shade
He says “family, freedom, fields”
And my black-lace teenage heart just yields
Laugh all you want, I know the deal
I’ve got a crush on Rupert Lowes zeal
I know, I know, you think it’s problematic
Me in eyeliner, him so pragmatic
But there’s something kinda punk, don’t you see?
About loving tradition rebelliously
He won’t kneel for compassion trends
He stands up straight, he won’t pretend
Says “earn your keep” and “mind your land”
And I’m weak at the sight of a calloused hand
Oh Rupert, my rural delight
Talking policy by bonfire light
He’s anti-nonsense, pro-brittish line
And I’m romanticising every line
Downing street calls your name
Just like me, I'm much the same
Right now I’m swooning, dramatic and such
And absolutely feral for my Restore Britain crush