[Tim "ShoEboX" Crist, Kim Crist]
I'm 6 foot four three hundred pounds a chunk a bulgin' love
A couple chins below my head, a mullet perched above
A software engineer by trade, pure geeky through and through
I can quote Stroustrup or Douglas Adams 'til my face turns blue
Now you would think with stats like these that I'd find no affection
'Cept within the crackling pages of an old Penthouse collection
But the Gods of love and logic must have been off for a day
'Cause a real live woman married me, and she seems inclined to stay
I often find it stunning
It seems to disagree
To everything I've ever seen
In movies or TV
Where the fat kid gets no fanfare
And his minor wins are muffled
So this victory's for every nerd
Who's ever truffle shuffled
Cuz I've got a wife where my porn should be, my porn should be, my porn should be
I've got a wife where my porn should be, my porn should be, oh yeah
I've got a wife where my porn should be, my porn should be, my porn should be
I've got a wife where my porn should be, my porn should be, oh yeah
Let's rock now!
My comic book collection hits the ceiling of my room
It's a techie-haven basement lair that's never seen a broom
Where I P2P and RPG and swear I'll never rest
'Til every console I own emulates the Atari VCS (Why?!)
Screeching Weasel and Weird Al stare at me from my walls
A sump pump in the corner helps me cope when nature calls
Now take this mental image, and keep it in your head
But where the blow-up doll belongs, insert a girl instead
A mind with any sanity
This fact is sure to vex
I've got John DeLancie's autograph
But also I've had sex
These hands that solder circuitry
And code in SunOS
Have also felt the fleshy touch
Of human female breasts
Cuz I've got a wife where my porn should be, my porn should be, my porn should be
I've got a wife where my porn should be, my porn should be, oh yeah
I've got a wife where my porn should be, my porn should be, my porn should be
I've got a wife where my porn should be, my porn should be, oh yeah
Yeah, I've got a wife (I've got a wife)
Where my porn should be
I've got a wife (I've got a wife)
Where my porn should be
I've got a wife (I've got a wife)
Where my porn should be
I've got a wife (I've got a wife)
Where my porn should be oh yeah
"For more information about my wife, please consult the song 'My Wife' from my third full-length CD 'Faster Than a Speeding Mullet,' available as we speak from wormquartet.com."
"That's a cheap plug."
"It's not a plug. It's a bibliography."